Ruminating

Some events got me to thinking and remembering.

I met my husband online ten years ago this JUN. After a few weeks of online chatting we moved to the phone, and met in person about four months later.
I was in the US, he was in the UK. We carried on chatting and meeting whenever we could over the next few years.
In many ways were were lucky because the work he did meant he was travelling and could usually arrange stopovers where I lived.
I was a travel consultant and had discounted or free tickets I could utilize to go visit. My holidays were spent in the UK with him in the summer, and he would come to the US in the autumn holidays. Over the course of four years we had spent quite a bit of time together, one way or the other.
Of course there was the almost nightly phone calls as well.

We married a month short of four years after our first hellos online. We had discussed where we would live and came to the conclusion it would be in the UK. My husband is the only son and eldest of three children to aging parents. (Who thankfully at this time are still enjoying good health.)
My DH (Dear Husband) had a very peculiar relationship with his parents. He was always close to and got on well with his mother. His father however was a different story. Things had happened in the past that virtually had the pair of them estranged.

However, my DH still felt the duty of a son to be there for his parents. His sisters live over three hours away (and in the UK that can actually mean about 5-6 hours) and have young families and jobs of their own.
My parents were older than his, my mother had passed away in '92 and while I had moved back to keep an eye on my dad and take care of him, my sister had encouraged me to live my life. She stepped into the caregiver role when I left.
I understood about wanting to be there for your parents and wholeheartedly supported my DH's decision.

Longer story short, we have over the past six years been close to my in-laws. DH and his father have a relationship again. They talk, they consult, they laugh. They still butt heads, but they are having a relationship.
I love my in-laws and I can say they love me. They welcomed me with open arms and have only cared about my well-being and happiness since I've moved here. If I had to place an order for in-laws, I could not have chosen better.

But, having said that, let me say this.
I've given up so much to be with my DH. I've no family of my own here. (In case you've not guessed DH and I are not spring chickens...the autumn of our youth.)
My best friend was left in the States.
My one and only sister was left behind. My sister is more than that, she is my friend as well. Perhaps because she is eleven years older than me we have always managed to have a friendship as well as a family relationship. I miss her so much.
Even though I've not had much contact with my brothers (two of them) I miss them as well. Family gatherings when we all managed to get together were fun and filled with laughter. Even when my father passed away in '04 there was laughter through the tears.

In some ways I miss home. But I've come to the conclusion I miss the people more than the place.
I love living in England, and when visiting home in the States after a couple of weeks I long to be back. The pace of life is better, not as frantic. In a lot of ways England is more simplistic. Sometimes that can drive me to distraction, but I learn to handle it.

I miss people and interaction with them. There is not the same feeling here. I've not been able to find the same connection. I don't know why. The closest I can come to it is some of the people who show Samoyeds. There is one lovely lady, but unfortunately she is hours away. I do so wish we lived closer. She is the first I've felt a connection with. Perhaps it's because under lyingly we are the same type of personality.

So all in all, I suppose that having moved here I can honestly say I am lonely and have been for that last 6 years.
The internet in some respects has been a boon because it has allowed me to meet and be in contact with people. On the other hand it makes me feel as if I am tied to it. If I'm home and away from the keyboard I get jumpy. It's the only interaction I have with someone other than my DH or Misha.
I can only imagine if we had children, or I was younger it would be different. I've even found the people on our street while being pleasant when seeing us, they are not inclined to include us in their lives. Perhaps it's the older, more set in their ways, having their circle of friends.

Where all this is going, I'm not sure. I just have faced up to the fact I feel isolated and lonely. If we didn't have Mum and Dad to think of, would we move to the States? I think so. I would miss it here, but I think I miss my sister and remaining family more.